I. Sleeping Patterns
Today we were too sarcastic. You sat on my bed made paper airplanes, while I laid on the ground tried to get my work done.
"This is just like the handmaidapos;s tale," I kept saying to you. But you didnt respond. You are well read, so you know you should be offended.
I donapos;t warn you that one side of the bed is breaking, even though I want to make a joke about slates from Sweden being cheap. The pillow over the face is not your idea, Iapos;ve been happy this way for a long time
II. Car Problems
Besides this, you and I are fighting in the car. I have my feet on the dash which yuo hate. You say "if we crash and the airbags go off- your legs are going to break." I move my drink from the cup holder, hoping it will spill all over the interior.
I wash my hair once, twice, three times-- a day, everyone smokes so many cigarettes. Iapos;m in the bathroom like Iapos;m nineteen, washing my hands over and over again.
III. Romantic Comedies
You look away, but I know how to handle this, Iapos;ve heard it all before. Sometimes this speech is longer than others, but most of the time, you donapos;t look at me in the face. I cant imagine what it feels like to look in the mirror and smooth down your hair realize that everything anyone ever said about you is true.
Donapos;t laugh, but none of this is permanent. I know you donapos;t believe me, because you never do about these things, but I have two passports now he sent me an Atlas in the mail. We can do whatever we want.
There is nothing tying us down. I am not threatening you, I am threatening myself. Donapos;t laugh, but Iapos;ve been sleeping in other languages. I know youapos;ll be on the road for too long, so I burn a light blue candle. A woman told me-- it must have been years ago that thatapos;s what you do for safe driving.
I use this instead of a night lite, I burn the whole house down.
Donapos;t laugh, but I have all these dreams about everyone dissolving. I line them up in alphabetical order and watch them drown. By last name first. Please fill these forms out- last name, then first. Then tell me how it is connected, how it goes back into your family tree. Tell me about the people who crossed boats for you to be here, tell me what it felt like when they died or starved or desecrated- tell me what it felt like for them, and tell me that they did it for you. Because they did do it for you, so you could be the American Dream, so you could be page fifty-six of that book, so you could be the son of God and The Patron Saint of Seventy Five Words Per Minute. With your last name and your great smile. I guess out of all people, I canapos;t force you to watch politics on TV, I canapos;t explain anymore the difference between the candidates, making motions with their fingers.
Donapos;t laugh, but my last name means the Part in your hair in Italian. I am half Sicilian- everyone will tell you, unless they are American, then they wont distinguish the difference between Boots and Islands. They too will capitalize all the wrong words and exploit me for all the wrong moments of my life. They have pictures to prove it, so I cant deny any of it.
Donapos;t laugh, but my whole life has been documented very well. From start to finish there are monologues sans-metaphors, videos of dancing/confessions, photo albums over spilling with pictures- and I was always told to write. For sixteen years I have been told to write. Like you were told to make your bed. I learn the importance of crisp sheets in the morning, I learn the lack of importance of other peopleapos;s mothers. Whatapos;s a better phrase to use than "i learn the lack of importance?" When we look in the mirror the whole goddamn thing has always been about us, I will never know what it felt like for you, but that is what it felt like for me.
Dont laugh but I really believed you, I believed everyone. I recorded all of it, dedicated all of it, packed it away in envelopes. I thought about the way Mcdonalds looked in England, the way it felt out of place. You wont believe me, but theyapos;d leave backpacks on the floor all the time, the whole town was always being evacuated. We get stomach aches, call each other and plan our escape, you are always driving ten hours of your car now theyapos;re paying us to do what weapos;ve always done, it never feels right. So tell me that you saw it coming, that it was the shape of my face, the movement of my hands, tell me you knew it from the beginning, donapos;t laugh, but Iapos;ll believe you. Iapos;ll write down everything you have to say.
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